||[Mar. 21st, 2008|04:03 pm]
|||||Like its the last time - Alicia Keys||]|
Im kinda speechless.
Crazier thing is that the night before I had a dream about Ana and Shift, we were @ some house with ppl I didn't know so well and there was a lot of drugs and I started feeling really weird and wanted 2 leave and then I saw someone come 2 the door and ask for help otherwise the ppl outside were gonna kill him he said. Seth said give us $3000 and then changed his mind as this was going on I about 2 escape the house from the side door as I was running, I entered a room and saw this guy get his head bowlin away his face was covered in blood! I ran the fuck away, I remember drivin a Mitishubishi 2 seater and I couldn't drive, I was sworving and losing control. I couldn't sleep the entire night cuz that guy's face seemed so real. That image is still in my head and this happened 2 nights ago.
Last night as I was driving in my "white" car, Catherine AIMed me "I have some bad news :*( " I thought she was gonna say she got fired and then following that "Olivia OD'd :*( "
I was in shockkkk and called her!!! I was totally freaking out! I cantttt believe that just reallllly happened!!!!
I don't get it!
Maggie said that when it rains it pores wowwwwww
Soooo many ppl's life have been taken away from them this in the last few months!!!
With Catherine's poor poor 9-day-young baby passing away, Omar and Danny car accidents, Laurey's suicide, Heath L overdose, and now Olivia's overdose im speechless!
It makes me sad cuz I realllllllllllllly tired helping her but she wouldn't let me! Catherine and I both feel guilty and yet there is nothing we can do. :(
Its so sad to even think that Omar, Danny, Laurey, and Olivia all passed away in the last 2months and were all 21-22 years old!
My dream reallllly freaked me out @ most, someone dies and the drugs! My dream seemed really real! Odd!
I was crying all night. My mom said I can't always try 2 help the entire world like I always try to, I know that but still!!! I feel horrible.
Olivia wasn't the nicest person to me or Catherine, yet she had messed up her entire relationship with allllll of her friends, her bf, and her parents and had no one left, I was the only person she talked 2 and even after she was mean I still tired 2 help. I know that a lot of ppl don't want help but its not in my nature not to help, and Mr.Big said that although she said she didn't want help as she was typing it she was getting help by talking about it with me when she really had no one.
Never hold a gurdge, be more easy going, smile, be very smart with the desitions you make, the ppl u become friends with, be good 2 your parents, always be a big dreamer, be good, love like ur never gonna love again, enjoy every min of your being, cuz in a snap of a finger it could all be taken away from you.
Rest in peace Olivia.
P.S. Catherine has an amazing heart! She has been through sooooooo much in the last few months a normal person wouldn't be able to handle! She is by far the strongest person I know and I look up to her and her courage! And although Olvia had broken 2 of Catherine's ribs, gave her brushes, and made Cath black out, Catherine still has it in her to feel for this girl. I love u Catherine! Xoxo Your amazing!!!!
People make mistakes. They push people away because they think that they can make it on their own. Truth is everybody needs somebody. The world is cruel and unforgiving... that's just the way life is. If I had been there for you perhaps you wouldn't have taken that last hit. You might not have needed the drugs at all. I wanted to be that positive influence in your life but you pushed me away... now you've been taken away.
Now I shed these tears because despite our differences you were there when the others turned away. If I wasn't so selfish you might still be here. I never got the chance to forgive you or say goodbye. I'll miss you. I love you.
I never meant for us to go our separate ways. Things should have been different, you should have been the stronger one. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for failing you. I'm sorry you felt like you had nobody. I forgive you for all of the heartache because at the end of the day it means nothing.
God rest your soul, Olivia. I'll miss you.
Life is too short to hold grudges or get mad at your best friends for meaningless things. They might be gone tomorrow. Give somebody a hug and call somebody you've been meaning to.
Olvia's and mine last convo:
devilchck4eva: Hey u
devilchck4eva: How are u doing?
devilchck4eva: Any better?
Olivia: I did some coke to numb the pain.
Olivia: An hour ago.
devilchck4eva: Have u ever done it before?
Olivia: Plenty of times. This time it was only one line.
Olivia: Just to numb the pain.
Olivia: My parents, well my dad mostly, kicked me out of their house.
Olivia: He's embarrassed by me mostly but they are strict and have religious values. He told me if I was his daughter I wouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place.
devilchck4eva: Babe, u have 2 take care of urself better. Don't let them win. U have 2 start off fresh. Maybe this happened 2 u so that u can start off fresh and turn ur life into a possitive thing.
devilchck4eva: He is just hurt and disappointed
devilchck4eva: Think of u had a kid that did what u did
Olivia: No that's my dad he's extremely strict.
devilchck4eva: I know catherine told me
devilchck4eva: But its cuz he wants the best for his daughter
devilchck4eva: U wouldn't want that for ur baby
devilchck4eva: Feel me?
Olivia: Yeah but I wouldn't leave them with no place to go.
devilchck4eva: Listen I went through a lot of crazy stuff in my life
devilchck4eva: I know where ur coming from
devilchck4eva: My parents aren't the most understanding ppl
devilchck4eva: I have issues with them too
devilchck4eva: But at the end of the day u have 2 live with urself
devilchck4eva: Don't u wanna truly be proud of who u are
------------------- March 4, 2008 10:05 pm -------------------
Olivia: I'm not proud of myself for anything because I haven't accomplished anything.
devilchck4eva: Where are u right now?
devilchck4eva: So why don't u start
Olivia: I'm in a hotel.
devilchck4eva: How do u have money?
devilchck4eva: Do u have any friends u can stay with?
Olivia: Matt gave me money.
Olivia: It's like a $40/night room nothing fancy.
devilchck4eva: Why don't u stay with him?
devilchck4eva: Do u have a phone?
devilchck4eva: Or a computer?
Olivia: I have a laptop & phone.
devilchck4eva: Y don't u stay with him?
Olivia: He doesn't want me to.
Olivia: He's still in love with Catherine.
------------------- March 4, 2008 10:15 pm -------------------
devilchck4eva: Well it doesn't have 2 be like THAT
devilchck4eva: As friends
devilchck4eva: Where is ur old place?
Olivia: I know but he doesn't want any girls staying over or anything.
devilchck4eva: U don't have any friends u can stay with?
Olivia: No. They hate me.
devilchck4eva: And ur old place
Olivia: I had roommates who called me a whore and to get the fuck out.
Olivia: I'm getting a job as a dancer.
Olivia: To make money.
devilchck4eva: Topless or fully nude?
Olivia: It's at a club I'm going to be a dancer there..
devilchck4eva: What kind of a dancer?
------------------- March 4, 2008 10:25 pm -------------------
Olivia: Like you.
devilchck4eva: Oh gogo dancing?
devilchck4eva: Are u lying?
devilchck4eva: Ok good. When do u start?
Olivia: Tomorrow night.
devilchck4eva: Just be nice
devilchck4eva: And make the right desions and make good friends
devilchck4eva: Be reallllly caareful with who u trust
Olivia: I don't trust any body.
devilchck4eva: Well ur gona have 2 start somewhere
devilchck4eva: U were naive for a very long time and its time 2 start somewhere
devilchck4eva: Ur suppose 2 make ur life better
devilchck4eva: Can I asking?
devilchck4eva: why are u talking 2 me? Not in a mean why? But really?
Olivia: I can stop.
devilchck4eva: I wanna help u
devilchck4eva: Im just asking
Olivia: I don't want your help.
devilchck4eva: So why r u telling me all this?
devilchck4eva: I want 2 help u
Olivia: To get it out or I might kill myself.
devilchck4eva: Donnnnt say that
devilchck4eva: Well I wanna help u
devilchck4eva: Don't sign off
devilchck4eva: Im gonna go take a shower
Olivia: It's truth!! If I can't talk about it then everything will be bottled up inside.
Olivia: I should make enough for one ticket tomorrow and then I can live on the street until I find somebody to take me in or kill myself.
Olivia: I slit my wrists this morning but it hurt like a bitch. I'm not going to lie.